January came and went. But next month will be different. 2021 will be different. I miss being here. 

When I started writing online back in 2005 I left nothing off the table. I talked about every personal detail I had going on. It caused a lot of drama, and a lot of trips to the principals office, but also led to amazing opportunities.  That needs to be brought back. Writing about my "personal life" is the only way to truly connect with you guys. This stupid website has to go back to being my public diary. Hiding things from the public gets me no where.. And I'm ready to start letting everyone back in.

Ever since I was younger, I have had a huge issue with letting new people into my life. I can remember being ,like, nine years old and not wanting to hangout with anyone new on the playground. Keeping my group small has always been my way of living, and has served me well for the most part.
When new people are brought into my circle my first instinct is to dislike them. My eyes stay glued to their actions. Waiting for them to make the mistake. Whether large or small. Anything I can use as leverage to get them the fuck out.. I vet them out like they're applying for a job. Background checks and financial reports get pushed forward. I scour their Instagrams for anything that turns me off. I browse their "following" list, hoping to find a source of conflict.
And I do all this in an effort to make my life easier. The more "triends" I acquire, the more problems I seem to get into. The more people you let in, the more you extend your circle, the weaker it gets. Eight out of ten people will let you down and that's a sad truth. In the last few months I have had a series of ups and downs. Most of which I can't even express into words. I can only explain it as a "tornado of turmoil" followed by a "mountain of regret". At the fault of both parties.
But then, from out of no where, this breath of fresh air blew into my social ecosystem. It's interesting the things that can arise from a simple direct message. You find that, the search was a lot closer than you realized. And that perhaps this is someone you need to balance out your highs and your lows.
I never know if someone understands "me" or not. The complexities that move through my head on a daily basis can be startling. Most people want to be "friends" on the surface. They want to be in the group photo, or the background of the vacation shot.. However, when it comes to real work, and real shit, they are no where to be found. This is something I have dealt with for most of my adult life. It's the main source for the wall.. But this was different. The wall was never there, and I don't feel the need to build it. Feeling like someone "gets you" so quickly was a foreign concept for me. Since half the time I barely understand myself. And that's scary, taking any sort of risk is scary.. But the "risk" factor has diminished. This feels right. This feels safe.

To say I'm looking forward to where my life is going would be an understatement. For the first time in a long time it feels like the puzzle is damn near complete. The people who are here are the people who are supposed to be here. Everyone is in their right role, and playing it rather well. Some titles have changed and some pieces have been switched. But at the end of the day, I'm happy for the first time in a long time. And that's all that matters. I'm all that matters.

P.S- You know who you are. You know what you did. And you know that I love you.