My original title for this blog was "chances". As in "how many fucking chances can one person give". But decided "counting" was a more fitting title. Because I clearly don't have an answer to that question. It's clear that I don't have the wherewithal to say "enough is enough". I let people short change me. And I wonder why that is? I wonder why I have been settling? Seventeen year old me would have flipped the script on this. I would have had blood flowing in the streets. I was a quick action monster. Known for ruining things in the blink of an eye... So, WHAT changed?


It's not because I have low self esteem.. If anything, I have an extremely inflated sense of self worth. I believe I'm way more important than I really am. I'm caught off guard when someone doesn't know who I am.. And it's most certainly not because I've matured. I've always been rather mature. And I'm sure that's hard for most to believe, but I've felt like I was eighteen years old since I was, like, nine. I never felt like the regular children.
What I think it is, is my real wanting to see the good in my "friends". It takes so long for me to call someone my "friend". The word has real meaning to me. Because with that word come a set of responsibilities. There are certain things attached to the title. For instance, if I have a CAT scan, to figure out if I have early onset Alzheimer's or not. And I text you my results.. You make sure you reply? You don't just wait until you have some time to spare and then if you get around to it you get around to it. That's fucking vile and pathetic, and it hurls me into an extreme rage which is triggered by my overwhelming sense of disgust. And it's justified. Maybe not to you, but to me. When I am overlooked it really makes me livid. I understand everyone has their own life, and I'm not the center.. but something involving health isn't to be taken lightly. And when it is (was) I find it hard to overlook. 
I continue to let people slide by. Causing me to feel actual sadness.. You start to feel uncared for, and by people (or someone rather) whom you've continually helped out both physically and financially... All the while beginning to hate myself more and more for not hurting back. It begins to feel like I'm being punched in the face and returning with a smile. When in reality, I could annihilate everyone with a simple 120 character tweet. I have information on every single person I know. And I've NEVER been tempted to use any of it, because I'm a real fucking friend. THAT BEING SAID, when someone continually treats you like you don't matter, over and over again. They eventually stop mattering to you. And then it's fair game. Isn't that how the world works? Fight fire with fire?
That's how I grew up. "You don't take shit from anyone". And somehow I forgot that fucking rule. I forgot that I can swing back at my "friends". I'm not a doormat, or the hired help. And just because they have the word "friend" attached to them,  doesn't mean it has to stay there. "Friend" is not an open invitation to just fuck me around and think "oh who cares". I care. And that's all that matters.

So, word from the wise, if you're being a shitty friend to someone, STOP. Because eventually that person is going to flip. And it's from "best friend" to "worst enemy". And once that line is crossed, at least for me, there's no going back. I will say and do things to make sure the relationship is unrepairable. I will make sure we part ways for good. I'm not someone who "hopes for the best" after a breakup. I'm "immature" in that sense. If I leave, I want it to crash and burn behind me. Everything has a winner and a loser, and I refuse to be the loser in these situations. I'm done playing Gandhi, I'm not a fucking pacifist, and this isn't the salt march. So, to my friends who have decided to fall off, watch out. Because this shit is fucking DONE.

You start to pick apart who is a "friend" and who is a "triend". A triend is someone you're close to for a short amount of time. You seem to be pretty inseparable, texting all the time, talking about things as if you've known this person all your life. Trusting them with information way too early. It's basically a "trend friend". And just like the Isabel Marant sneaker wedge, they come in, cost a lot of money, are fun for three months, and then you dump them.. for a classic Louboutin. Who never goes out of style and is always there when you need them.